Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
How does one acquire holy water?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Randomize
