life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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