You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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