i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
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