There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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