I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
