Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
The maid of honor just puked.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
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