Kiss
Puke
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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