When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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