You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
