i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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