hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
