I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
