Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
You're a waste of cheezeits
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
