I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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