Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
