I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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