During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
