I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I am naked and annoyed.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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