If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
