U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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