I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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