i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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