im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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