Your favorite bartender is back from prision
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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