i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
