dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I could fuck to npr.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
