i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize