Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
