first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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