And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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