There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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