I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize