I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Randomize
