I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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