I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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