My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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