He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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