mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Randomize
