I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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