I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
