Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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