After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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