i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
