Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
