I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
