She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
