I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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