and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Randomize
