and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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