I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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