My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
It was confusing and full of hummus
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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