Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
