I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
