I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
my liver is dry heaving
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
