I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Randomize
