I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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